confuse..

This is an entry that I don't know how to start. I don't know how to express what I feel. I don't know how to say what I want to say. I don't know if any of the words that I will write will matter but somehow, I know it is necessary. I feel sad, hopeful, happy, alone, misunderstood and lost all at the same time. I need to let all this confusion out of my chest.

Recently, I came from a break up. I was totally devastated. I am lost. I tried to keep myself busy for me not to feel any pain. I want to stop asking myself these stupid questions: Why do I need to go through all this? What did I do to deserve all this shit? When will I find true happiness? And where should I start the changes? Until know, I don't know the answers to those questions.

Now, someone is offering his love to me again. My heart is heavily broken. I don't know where to start. But I am hoping that his love is enough.

I am surrounded by uncertainties and the only thing certain right now is the fact that I still have a heart. A brave heart that is willing to take risk. It may be broken but not missing. It survived so many heartaches and if this guy hurt me too, I don't know if it will still do. JAI HO!

Beshie's Poem

THE ONE I’VE LOVED

You are mine
But I’m not yours
This is the sign
Of our separate doors
I turn you off
While you turn me on
My heart is soft
Yours is like a stone
You’re the greatest
And I’m the worst
I strike for the best
But you get me lost
You’re everything to me
Though I don’t mean any to you
It’s truly, madly, deeply
I feel for you
I am now tired
To wait for you
My eyes are dried
My heart is new
I will forget
Someone like you
But I’ll never regret
That I have loved you

My 14-year old POEM

Today is my mom and dad's 28th wedding anniversary. Me and my two younger sisters agreed to visit them. When we arrived, i am so happy to see the big smile on our mom's face and to hear the cheerful tone of my dad's voice. We often see each other but I know that today they are very excited to see us, just "us", coming home. Then, we went inside our rooms. As I open my old cabinet, I saw an old poem taped at the back of my cabinet's door. It was a 9-year old poem from Beshie. Seeing that poem reminded me how much I used to love writing. I used to write not just poems but also short stories. I also have dozens of journals that I don't know where my mom placed when I left home. Then I suddenly felt very eager to get hold of my first ever poem. It was a poem I wrote in 1995. I searched every inch of our house. I told myself I won't leave the house without it. I've been searching for quite sometime and I already felt bad when my younger sister came to me and asked, "Ano ba hinahanap mo at kanina ka pa paikot-ikot dyan?". "Yun kasing poem ko na WHEN THE RAIN SPEAKS hindi ko makita.", I replied. "Yun ba? May kopya ako.", she said. I felt so thrilled because finally, I'll get my hands on my 14-year old poem. =)

When the Rain Speaks

It was a cold dark night
The rain pours really hard.
I could hear the sound of roaring thunders
That frightened every child

I could not sleep
I feel so disturbed
A lot of things came into my mind
Making me hope to turn back the hands of time

I blame the rain
For I felt do much pain
If only I could stop it from coming
Then, there’s no need for me to see him leaving

Then, the rain suddenly stopped
Leaving me wondering alone in the dark
I searched for oblivion, I want peace
I don’t want to stay forever this way.

I remember the rain and also my mistakes
If the rain can only speak, maybe she will say
“I just want to remind you, it was sunny yesterday
And tomorrow lies a brand new day.”

"Hitch"

(A guy jumped on top of a girl's car. The girl hit the break and the guy fell in front of the car. The girl get off the car and asked the guy..)

GIRL: Why did you do that?

GUY: Because that's what people do.. they leap and hope to die they can fly because if they don't they will just be like rocks falling.. wondering on their way down why the hell they jumped. Now, here I am falling and there is only one person that can make me feel I can fly.. YOU!

(The girl burst into tears then hugs the guy. Happy ending.)

Very brave guy, right? Willing to take chances even in the middle of uncertainties. But what if the girl turn her back, ride the car and drive away? Does that make the guy stupid? Is he a failure? Should he continue to fight for this girl and wait for her to be ready to accept him again? Or he should move on and accept the fact that the girl loves her but too scared to take him into her life?

Somewhere along the highway called love, so many people will pass us by. Some will step on their break and spend some time with us. Others who are lost will stop to ask us directions. A few can also stop us and ask if they can hitch. And one or two might invite us to step inside their car, let us feel welcome and make every single moment of the ride memorable for us. Some will keep travelling with us and others will continue their journey without us. But whether they stay or leave, we should be thankful. Be thankful that amongst thousands of cars that passed by they stopped. They cared to build memories with us, trusted us to guide them and took a once in a lifetime ride with us. Leaving us doesn't mean they don't enjoy our company or they don't need us. Probably, they just found a better road or a faster route to take. Let them take the road of their choice but make sure you don't part ways with anyone on an unfinished road or you'll be the one left lost.

"THE not so SECRET GARDEN"

These past few days, living became an everyday struggle for me. It is a battle between right and wrong, good and evil, happy and sad, reality and fantasy, heart and mind. I always find myself in the middle... in the middle of no where and with no one to hold on to.

Then, a new love came. It is a love that lifts my spirit, giving me peace not just of mind and body but also of heart and soul. It is a blossoming love that keeps my feet on the ground and encourages me to see the bright light shining from the sun. I feel so much better now and I have my lovely sister to thank for this remarkable change. It is a change not of heart but of perception. She introduced me to the new " G " in my life (that is " G " for gardening. Yes, you heard me right. Gardening is my new love. Great name, right? hehe!). My new found love needs enough care, attention, true passion and great labor to grow and reach it's full potential. It will take some time before I can see the real beauty of this wonderful garden but I am willing to wait because in the end, I know it's all going to be worth it. OMG! I want to say that again. "I WILL WAIT because YOU'RE WORTH IT!" =)

(below are photos taken this afternoon..)

When There Was Me and You

It's funny when you find yourself looking from the outside.
I'm standing here but all I want is to be over there.
Why did I let myself believe miracles could happen.
'Cause now I have to pretend that I don't really care.
I thought you were my fairytale,
a dream when I'm not sleeping.
A wish upon a star that's coming true.
But everybody else could tell,
that I confused my feelings with the truth.
When there was me and you.
I swore I knew the melody that I heard you singing.
And when you smiled you made me feel like I could sing along.
But then you went and changed the words.
Now my heart is empty.
I'm only left with used-to-be's and once upon a song.
Now I know you're not a fairytale and dreams were meant for sleeping.
And wishes on a star just don't come true.
'Cause now even I can tell that I confused my feelings with the truth.
Because I liked the view,
when there was me and you.
I can't believe that I could be so blind.
It's like you were floating while I was falling and I didn't mind.
Because I liked the view.
I thought you felt it too.
When there was me and you.

billboard

Last night, around 10 o'clock in the evening, on our way home from Bulacan, I unexpectedly saw Je-sabel's billboard along the expressway. The billboard is located about one kilometer and a half from Alabang South Station exit. When I saw Je-sabel's face, I can't help myself from smiling. Why? That's for me to know and for you to find out... hehe!

words from a drunken broken angel

Today is the 18th day of January year 2009. It is now exactly 8 minutes past 4 in the morning and obviously I can’t sleep. I’m not sure if it is because of so many bullshit things that happened since the day before yesterday or because of the bottle of red wine I finished by myself that made me drunk. So, why am I doing this? Well, I don’t know. What I do know is that I’m not doing this to get attention. Maybe, I just want to break my silence and release some tensions that have been haunting me for years. Honestly, at this point, I don’t know how I will be able to pick up all the broken pieces in my life.

To begin with, my name is broken angel or you can simple call me a jerk. Broken because no matter how hard I try things in my life keeps falling apart. Angel because I wish I could be like that. And jerk because that’s how I see myself right now. I am a 27 year old married lady who resent so many things in her life except for her 2 lovely boys. I married and bear my first child at the age of 19. Oh well, you guessed it right. I was pregnant when I got married and I wished I didn’t. November 2000, A few days after my 19 birthday, I tried to break up with my spoiled brat boyfriend. I fought with him everyday for 5 days but he didn’t let go. On the 6th day he called me and said he’ll kill himself if I didn’t see him so I did. I made the biggest mistake in my life that day when I went to their house. That dreadful day plus a can of beer changed my whole life and brought me right to the gates of hell. I died that day. I completely forgot who I am, what I am, and where I want to be. So decisions were made without careful analytical thinking. My family almost cursed me and my friends hated me. A lot of people was mad at me not because I am pregnant but because I am marrying the wrong person. First few months, everything seems to be perfect. My parents are happy because they are not having a grandchild outside marriage and my in-laws, well, I’m not sure why. A few months after, a grand church wedding took place. Everyone is hopeful and happy. Until my father in-law died 2 weeks after our church wedding. That marks the beginning of all the unimaginable disasters in my life. Several times I slept at the lobby of a casino in Paranaque as my dad, mom in-law and I waited for the financier whom my husband pawned our car. My husband is a heavy drinker and very violent when drunk. Often times we end up hurting each other physically, mentally and emotionally. We lost everything. Not just material things. We lost even that very little love and respect that we have for each other. Eventually, we sold that car and got a new one. We were able to survive all those horrible days but I guess some wounds don’t heal and there are diseases that can’t be cured.

Right now, I am jobless and my life is useless. March of 2007, I left my glamorous though not so financially rewarding job in a pharmaceutical company where I worked as product manager of some pediatric and prenatal food supplements. I left mainly because my egotistical husband asked me to and partly because I can’t take the intrigues anymore. Very shallow reason? I know! But since I am strong, I was able to move on. A close friend way back high school days invited me to apply to the call centre where he works as a trainer. I applied and got hired. The experience was great. I was able to tap some potential I never knew I had before. About my friend, well, we have something special for each other, something sweeter than a jar of jam. We tried to pick up where we left 12 years ago and I saw some sparks of hope to happiness. But I guess if it’s not meant to be, it’s not meant to be. Okay, it could have worked out if I didn’t see him kissing with a trainee in the middle of the dance floor at our 2007 Blackout Christmas party. That night, that kiss blew away the little glow I saw and I was mad. I drowned myself in 3 bottles of beer. I’m so lucky that my Spartans family, especially Maria Jose, was there to comfort me. I’m glad I didn’t create a scene. We went through that night as educated individuals. Today, we’re okay. I forgot everything, the pain and all the sadness it brought. Since we had special moments together built by more than 10 years of friendship, we remained friends. That’s all. So that’s another failed relationship on my list. Was it my fault? I don’t know. But I know life must go on.

Few months ago, my husband got very “sick” again. He went back to the casino and pawned our new car for 100T. I swear I wanted to push him down the overpass in Baclaran but I can’t because I don’t want to be in jail. After we fixed that problem, he asked me to resign. He said we’ll go to Singapore and try reviving our dying marriage. With a heavy heart and reluctant to leave a piece of heaven I found at work, I resigned. Not only to give in to his request but also to expand my horizon for me and my 2 kids. Equipped with lessons from several devastating problems, too many failed relationships and a failed marriage, I am optimistic that I’ll find happiness in Singapore. We lived with my sister’s brother in-law and some friends. Three days, four days, five days, everything seems to be going as planned. But then again, things went wrong. After 2 weeks, he decided to go back and leave me. I’m okay. I have a job. I like the place and the people I’m with. I met a gorgeous, desert addict, beauty titlist supervisor. She became my confidant, my friend, my sister. Salute to you Mesh Coolet! When my demanding boss told me to tell her not to come back to work, I am so disheartened. I wanted to resign but I can’t. I don’t want to go back and live a sickening life again. Actually, I am so glad I stayed. Because if not I won’t meet this wonderful person who brought new meaning in my life. Walking around, exchanging stories, showing some care, creating great memories on the streets of Singapore, we became real close. I found the bond I never found with anyone else. Almost two weeks later, another must take decision has to be made. Either I stay and continue the wonderful free life I am living or go back and be with my kids who longs for my love and care. Akachan said I should go for the kids and promised to follow. I listened. Things turned out unexpectedly great. But two days ago, one of the things I am fearful of happened. Anxiously, I waited as another must take decision has to be made. The choice is between family and insanity. Obviously, being a family-oriented person, family wins. Now, things are falling apart again and I do wish I stayed in Singapore. God knows how hurt I am right now. I felt betrayed. Once again, I am reminded how frustrating it is to go through dozens of broken promises. And how hard it is to face the day with a deeply wounded and slowly dying heart. I felt so stupid to believe yet, no matter how bad things turned out I still have no doubt. I will still take the risk for another chance to be happy, for a new beginning, for a brighter tomorrow, for the fulfillment of broken dreams. I still believe in love, in our love. Will you fail me again or you’ll fight for me next time?