Today is the 18th day of January year 2009. It is now exactly 8 minutes past 4 in the morning and obviously I can’t sleep. I’m not sure if it is because of so many bullshit things that happened since the day before yesterday or because of the bottle of red wine I finished by myself that made me drunk. So, why am I doing this? Well, I don’t know. What I do know is that I’m not doing this to get attention. Maybe, I just want to break my silence and release some tensions that have been haunting me for years. Honestly, at this point, I don’t know how I will be able to pick up all the broken pieces in my life.
To begin with, my name is broken angel or you can simple call me a jerk. Broken because no matter how hard I try things in my life keeps falling apart. Angel because I wish I could be like that. And jerk because that’s how I see myself right now. I am a 27 year old married lady who resent so many things in her life except for her 2 lovely boys. I married and bear my first child at the age of 19. Oh well, you guessed it right. I was pregnant when I got married and I wished I didn’t. November 2000, A few days after my 19 birthday, I tried to break up with my spoiled brat boyfriend. I fought with him everyday for 5 days but he didn’t let go. On the 6th day he called me and said he’ll kill himself if I didn’t see him so I did. I made the biggest mistake in my life that day when I went to their house. That dreadful day plus a can of beer changed my whole life and brought me right to the gates of hell. I died that day. I completely forgot who I am, what I am, and where I want to be. So decisions were made without careful analytical thinking. My family almost cursed me and my friends hated me. A lot of people was mad at me not because I am pregnant but because I am marrying the wrong person. First few months, everything seems to be perfect. My parents are happy because they are not having a grandchild outside marriage and my in-laws, well, I’m not sure why. A few months after, a grand church wedding took place. Everyone is hopeful and happy. Until my father in-law died 2 weeks after our church wedding. That marks the beginning of all the unimaginable disasters in my life. Several times I slept at the lobby of a casino in Paranaque as my dad, mom in-law and I waited for the financier whom my husband pawned our car. My husband is a heavy drinker and very violent when drunk. Often times we end up hurting each other physically, mentally and emotionally. We lost everything. Not just material things. We lost even that very little love and respect that we have for each other. Eventually, we sold that car and got a new one. We were able to survive all those horrible days but I guess some wounds don’t heal and there are diseases that can’t be cured.
Right now, I am jobless and my life is useless. March of 2007, I left my glamorous though not so financially rewarding job in a pharmaceutical company where I worked as product manager of some pediatric and prenatal food supplements. I left mainly because my egotistical husband asked me to and partly because I can’t take the intrigues anymore. Very shallow reason? I know! But since I am strong, I was able to move on. A close friend way back high school days invited me to apply to the call centre where he works as a trainer. I applied and got hired. The experience was great. I was able to tap some potential I never knew I had before. About my friend, well, we have something special for each other, something sweeter than a jar of jam. We tried to pick up where we left 12 years ago and I saw some sparks of hope to happiness. But I guess if it’s not meant to be, it’s not meant to be. Okay, it could have worked out if I didn’t see him kissing with a trainee in the middle of the dance floor at our 2007 Blackout Christmas party. That night, that kiss blew away the little glow I saw and I was mad. I drowned myself in 3 bottles of beer. I’m so lucky that my Spartans family, especially Maria Jose, was there to comfort me. I’m glad I didn’t create a scene. We went through that night as educated individuals. Today, we’re okay. I forgot everything, the pain and all the sadness it brought. Since we had special moments together built by more than 10 years of friendship, we remained friends. That’s all. So that’s another failed relationship on my list. Was it my fault? I don’t know. But I know life must go on.
Few months ago, my husband got very “sick” again. He went back to the casino and pawned our new car for 100T. I swear I wanted to push him down the overpass in Baclaran but I can’t because I don’t want to be in jail. After we fixed that problem, he asked me to resign. He said we’ll go to Singapore and try reviving our dying marriage. With a heavy heart and reluctant to leave a piece of heaven I found at work, I resigned. Not only to give in to his request but also to expand my horizon for me and my 2 kids. Equipped with lessons from several devastating problems, too many failed relationships and a failed marriage, I am optimistic that I’ll find happiness in Singapore. We lived with my sister’s brother in-law and some friends. Three days, four days, five days, everything seems to be going as planned. But then again, things went wrong. After 2 weeks, he decided to go back and leave me. I’m okay. I have a job. I like the place and the people I’m with. I met a gorgeous, desert addict, beauty titlist supervisor. She became my confidant, my friend, my sister. Salute to you Mesh Coolet! When my demanding boss told me to tell her not to come back to work, I am so disheartened. I wanted to resign but I can’t. I don’t want to go back and live a sickening life again. Actually, I am so glad I stayed. Because if not I won’t meet this wonderful person who brought new meaning in my life. Walking around, exchanging stories, showing some care, creating great memories on the streets of Singapore, we became real close. I found the bond I never found with anyone else. Almost two weeks later, another must take decision has to be made. Either I stay and continue the wonderful free life I am living or go back and be with my kids who longs for my love and care. Akachan said I should go for the kids and promised to follow. I listened. Things turned out unexpectedly great. But two days ago, one of the things I am fearful of happened. Anxiously, I waited as another must take decision has to be made. The choice is between family and insanity. Obviously, being a family-oriented person, family wins. Now, things are falling apart again and I do wish I stayed in Singapore. God knows how hurt I am right now. I felt betrayed. Once again, I am reminded how frustrating it is to go through dozens of broken promises. And how hard it is to face the day with a deeply wounded and slowly dying heart. I felt so stupid to believe yet, no matter how bad things turned out I still have no doubt. I will still take the risk for another chance to be happy, for a new beginning, for a brighter tomorrow, for the fulfillment of broken dreams. I still believe in love, in our love. Will you fail me again or you’ll fight for me next time?
To begin with, my name is broken angel or you can simple call me a jerk. Broken because no matter how hard I try things in my life keeps falling apart. Angel because I wish I could be like that. And jerk because that’s how I see myself right now. I am a 27 year old married lady who resent so many things in her life except for her 2 lovely boys. I married and bear my first child at the age of 19. Oh well, you guessed it right. I was pregnant when I got married and I wished I didn’t. November 2000, A few days after my 19 birthday, I tried to break up with my spoiled brat boyfriend. I fought with him everyday for 5 days but he didn’t let go. On the 6th day he called me and said he’ll kill himself if I didn’t see him so I did. I made the biggest mistake in my life that day when I went to their house. That dreadful day plus a can of beer changed my whole life and brought me right to the gates of hell. I died that day. I completely forgot who I am, what I am, and where I want to be. So decisions were made without careful analytical thinking. My family almost cursed me and my friends hated me. A lot of people was mad at me not because I am pregnant but because I am marrying the wrong person. First few months, everything seems to be perfect. My parents are happy because they are not having a grandchild outside marriage and my in-laws, well, I’m not sure why. A few months after, a grand church wedding took place. Everyone is hopeful and happy. Until my father in-law died 2 weeks after our church wedding. That marks the beginning of all the unimaginable disasters in my life. Several times I slept at the lobby of a casino in Paranaque as my dad, mom in-law and I waited for the financier whom my husband pawned our car. My husband is a heavy drinker and very violent when drunk. Often times we end up hurting each other physically, mentally and emotionally. We lost everything. Not just material things. We lost even that very little love and respect that we have for each other. Eventually, we sold that car and got a new one. We were able to survive all those horrible days but I guess some wounds don’t heal and there are diseases that can’t be cured.
Right now, I am jobless and my life is useless. March of 2007, I left my glamorous though not so financially rewarding job in a pharmaceutical company where I worked as product manager of some pediatric and prenatal food supplements. I left mainly because my egotistical husband asked me to and partly because I can’t take the intrigues anymore. Very shallow reason? I know! But since I am strong, I was able to move on. A close friend way back high school days invited me to apply to the call centre where he works as a trainer. I applied and got hired. The experience was great. I was able to tap some potential I never knew I had before. About my friend, well, we have something special for each other, something sweeter than a jar of jam. We tried to pick up where we left 12 years ago and I saw some sparks of hope to happiness. But I guess if it’s not meant to be, it’s not meant to be. Okay, it could have worked out if I didn’t see him kissing with a trainee in the middle of the dance floor at our 2007 Blackout Christmas party. That night, that kiss blew away the little glow I saw and I was mad. I drowned myself in 3 bottles of beer. I’m so lucky that my Spartans family, especially Maria Jose, was there to comfort me. I’m glad I didn’t create a scene. We went through that night as educated individuals. Today, we’re okay. I forgot everything, the pain and all the sadness it brought. Since we had special moments together built by more than 10 years of friendship, we remained friends. That’s all. So that’s another failed relationship on my list. Was it my fault? I don’t know. But I know life must go on.
Few months ago, my husband got very “sick” again. He went back to the casino and pawned our new car for 100T. I swear I wanted to push him down the overpass in Baclaran but I can’t because I don’t want to be in jail. After we fixed that problem, he asked me to resign. He said we’ll go to Singapore and try reviving our dying marriage. With a heavy heart and reluctant to leave a piece of heaven I found at work, I resigned. Not only to give in to his request but also to expand my horizon for me and my 2 kids. Equipped with lessons from several devastating problems, too many failed relationships and a failed marriage, I am optimistic that I’ll find happiness in Singapore. We lived with my sister’s brother in-law and some friends. Three days, four days, five days, everything seems to be going as planned. But then again, things went wrong. After 2 weeks, he decided to go back and leave me. I’m okay. I have a job. I like the place and the people I’m with. I met a gorgeous, desert addict, beauty titlist supervisor. She became my confidant, my friend, my sister. Salute to you Mesh Coolet! When my demanding boss told me to tell her not to come back to work, I am so disheartened. I wanted to resign but I can’t. I don’t want to go back and live a sickening life again. Actually, I am so glad I stayed. Because if not I won’t meet this wonderful person who brought new meaning in my life. Walking around, exchanging stories, showing some care, creating great memories on the streets of Singapore, we became real close. I found the bond I never found with anyone else. Almost two weeks later, another must take decision has to be made. Either I stay and continue the wonderful free life I am living or go back and be with my kids who longs for my love and care. Akachan said I should go for the kids and promised to follow. I listened. Things turned out unexpectedly great. But two days ago, one of the things I am fearful of happened. Anxiously, I waited as another must take decision has to be made. The choice is between family and insanity. Obviously, being a family-oriented person, family wins. Now, things are falling apart again and I do wish I stayed in Singapore. God knows how hurt I am right now. I felt betrayed. Once again, I am reminded how frustrating it is to go through dozens of broken promises. And how hard it is to face the day with a deeply wounded and slowly dying heart. I felt so stupid to believe yet, no matter how bad things turned out I still have no doubt. I will still take the risk for another chance to be happy, for a new beginning, for a brighter tomorrow, for the fulfillment of broken dreams. I still believe in love, in our love. Will you fail me again or you’ll fight for me next time?
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