When There Was Me and You

It's funny when you find yourself looking from the outside.
I'm standing here but all I want is to be over there.
Why did I let myself believe miracles could happen.
'Cause now I have to pretend that I don't really care.
I thought you were my fairytale,
a dream when I'm not sleeping.
A wish upon a star that's coming true.
But everybody else could tell,
that I confused my feelings with the truth.
When there was me and you.
I swore I knew the melody that I heard you singing.
And when you smiled you made me feel like I could sing along.
But then you went and changed the words.
Now my heart is empty.
I'm only left with used-to-be's and once upon a song.
Now I know you're not a fairytale and dreams were meant for sleeping.
And wishes on a star just don't come true.
'Cause now even I can tell that I confused my feelings with the truth.
Because I liked the view,
when there was me and you.
I can't believe that I could be so blind.
It's like you were floating while I was falling and I didn't mind.
Because I liked the view.
I thought you felt it too.
When there was me and you.

billboard

Last night, around 10 o'clock in the evening, on our way home from Bulacan, I unexpectedly saw Je-sabel's billboard along the expressway. The billboard is located about one kilometer and a half from Alabang South Station exit. When I saw Je-sabel's face, I can't help myself from smiling. Why? That's for me to know and for you to find out... hehe!

words from a drunken broken angel

Today is the 18th day of January year 2009. It is now exactly 8 minutes past 4 in the morning and obviously I can’t sleep. I’m not sure if it is because of so many bullshit things that happened since the day before yesterday or because of the bottle of red wine I finished by myself that made me drunk. So, why am I doing this? Well, I don’t know. What I do know is that I’m not doing this to get attention. Maybe, I just want to break my silence and release some tensions that have been haunting me for years. Honestly, at this point, I don’t know how I will be able to pick up all the broken pieces in my life.

To begin with, my name is broken angel or you can simple call me a jerk. Broken because no matter how hard I try things in my life keeps falling apart. Angel because I wish I could be like that. And jerk because that’s how I see myself right now. I am a 27 year old married lady who resent so many things in her life except for her 2 lovely boys. I married and bear my first child at the age of 19. Oh well, you guessed it right. I was pregnant when I got married and I wished I didn’t. November 2000, A few days after my 19 birthday, I tried to break up with my spoiled brat boyfriend. I fought with him everyday for 5 days but he didn’t let go. On the 6th day he called me and said he’ll kill himself if I didn’t see him so I did. I made the biggest mistake in my life that day when I went to their house. That dreadful day plus a can of beer changed my whole life and brought me right to the gates of hell. I died that day. I completely forgot who I am, what I am, and where I want to be. So decisions were made without careful analytical thinking. My family almost cursed me and my friends hated me. A lot of people was mad at me not because I am pregnant but because I am marrying the wrong person. First few months, everything seems to be perfect. My parents are happy because they are not having a grandchild outside marriage and my in-laws, well, I’m not sure why. A few months after, a grand church wedding took place. Everyone is hopeful and happy. Until my father in-law died 2 weeks after our church wedding. That marks the beginning of all the unimaginable disasters in my life. Several times I slept at the lobby of a casino in Paranaque as my dad, mom in-law and I waited for the financier whom my husband pawned our car. My husband is a heavy drinker and very violent when drunk. Often times we end up hurting each other physically, mentally and emotionally. We lost everything. Not just material things. We lost even that very little love and respect that we have for each other. Eventually, we sold that car and got a new one. We were able to survive all those horrible days but I guess some wounds don’t heal and there are diseases that can’t be cured.

Right now, I am jobless and my life is useless. March of 2007, I left my glamorous though not so financially rewarding job in a pharmaceutical company where I worked as product manager of some pediatric and prenatal food supplements. I left mainly because my egotistical husband asked me to and partly because I can’t take the intrigues anymore. Very shallow reason? I know! But since I am strong, I was able to move on. A close friend way back high school days invited me to apply to the call centre where he works as a trainer. I applied and got hired. The experience was great. I was able to tap some potential I never knew I had before. About my friend, well, we have something special for each other, something sweeter than a jar of jam. We tried to pick up where we left 12 years ago and I saw some sparks of hope to happiness. But I guess if it’s not meant to be, it’s not meant to be. Okay, it could have worked out if I didn’t see him kissing with a trainee in the middle of the dance floor at our 2007 Blackout Christmas party. That night, that kiss blew away the little glow I saw and I was mad. I drowned myself in 3 bottles of beer. I’m so lucky that my Spartans family, especially Maria Jose, was there to comfort me. I’m glad I didn’t create a scene. We went through that night as educated individuals. Today, we’re okay. I forgot everything, the pain and all the sadness it brought. Since we had special moments together built by more than 10 years of friendship, we remained friends. That’s all. So that’s another failed relationship on my list. Was it my fault? I don’t know. But I know life must go on.

Few months ago, my husband got very “sick” again. He went back to the casino and pawned our new car for 100T. I swear I wanted to push him down the overpass in Baclaran but I can’t because I don’t want to be in jail. After we fixed that problem, he asked me to resign. He said we’ll go to Singapore and try reviving our dying marriage. With a heavy heart and reluctant to leave a piece of heaven I found at work, I resigned. Not only to give in to his request but also to expand my horizon for me and my 2 kids. Equipped with lessons from several devastating problems, too many failed relationships and a failed marriage, I am optimistic that I’ll find happiness in Singapore. We lived with my sister’s brother in-law and some friends. Three days, four days, five days, everything seems to be going as planned. But then again, things went wrong. After 2 weeks, he decided to go back and leave me. I’m okay. I have a job. I like the place and the people I’m with. I met a gorgeous, desert addict, beauty titlist supervisor. She became my confidant, my friend, my sister. Salute to you Mesh Coolet! When my demanding boss told me to tell her not to come back to work, I am so disheartened. I wanted to resign but I can’t. I don’t want to go back and live a sickening life again. Actually, I am so glad I stayed. Because if not I won’t meet this wonderful person who brought new meaning in my life. Walking around, exchanging stories, showing some care, creating great memories on the streets of Singapore, we became real close. I found the bond I never found with anyone else. Almost two weeks later, another must take decision has to be made. Either I stay and continue the wonderful free life I am living or go back and be with my kids who longs for my love and care. Akachan said I should go for the kids and promised to follow. I listened. Things turned out unexpectedly great. But two days ago, one of the things I am fearful of happened. Anxiously, I waited as another must take decision has to be made. The choice is between family and insanity. Obviously, being a family-oriented person, family wins. Now, things are falling apart again and I do wish I stayed in Singapore. God knows how hurt I am right now. I felt betrayed. Once again, I am reminded how frustrating it is to go through dozens of broken promises. And how hard it is to face the day with a deeply wounded and slowly dying heart. I felt so stupid to believe yet, no matter how bad things turned out I still have no doubt. I will still take the risk for another chance to be happy, for a new beginning, for a brighter tomorrow, for the fulfillment of broken dreams. I still believe in love, in our love. Will you fail me again or you’ll fight for me next time?

???

Standing on the edge of a cliff
Anxiously waiting
Uncertain and missing
Are you coming?
Or you are going?
Shall I jump?
Or shall I keep on waiting?

May tama!

Kanina, umiinom ako ng red wine. Mag-isa lang ako. Wala lang, gusto ko lang magisip-isip. Napatitig ako sa wine sa baso ko at natawa ako. Naisip ko kasi ang pag-ibig pala parang alak. Mabango, depende sa umaamoy at masarap, depende sa umiinom. Merong may kulay at merong wala. Merong puro at merong may halo at kumplikado. Pwede mong inumin kahit kelan at kahit saan mo gustuhin. Kapag swak ang timpla sa panlasa mo mapaparami ka ng inom hanggang sa hindi mo na mamalayang nalulunod at nalalasing ka na pala. Gaya rin sa pag-ibig. Walang tamang tao o tamang panahon. Nararamdaman sa di inaasahang pagkakataon. Tama, depende sa tumitingin at nagtatagal, depende sa tibay ng paniniwala. Nakapagbibigay ng tuwa at nakapagdudulot din ng sakit. Minsan maayos at masaya. Kung minsan kumplikado rin.

Wala naman ngang masama sa pag-inom. Kahit anong klase ng alak ang inumin mo ayos lang basta alam mo kung hanggang saan lang ang kaya mo. At sabi nga "ilagay mo sa tiyan, wag sa ulo." Ganun din sa pag-ibig. Wala namang tama at mali lalo pa nga kung totoo ang nararamdaman mo. Mahirap lang kapag sobra-sobra ka nang nagmamahal at hinayaan mong balutin nito hindi lang ang puso mo kundi ang buo mong pagkatao. Siguradong tatalunin mo pa ang lasing sa alak. Babaguhin nito ang isip at pananaw mo sa buhay. Dadalhin ka sa mga sitwasyong di mo inakala. Mabuti sana kung tulad sa isang lasing na may aagapay sayo kapag hindi ka na makalakad ng derecho. Paano kung wala at hayaan ka lang nila sa mga kabaliwan mo? Magmamahal ka pa ba at buong tapang na isusugal ang puso mo para sa taong di mo alam kung ano ang magiging epekto sayo?

VULNERABLE... You are and I am, too!

A while ago, I chat with "akachan". The conversation started sweet and very heart-warming. I am really excited. My heart is pounding really fast. My heart is field with joy. But all of a sudden, the mood starts to turn grey. "Akachan" became quiet and the next thing I know, "akachan" signed out. I know I said something that hurt "akachan's" feelings. But I swear I didn't mean those words. I am sure that there's never a time that I didn't trust "akachan".

Sometimes, when we are so comfortable with another person, we tend to lose ourselves. We do and say things without considering the other person's feelings, thinking that they know us well to understand what we mean. When I said "you are not sure about yourself so I' not sure about you, too", what I really want to say is "How do you expect me to trust you if you create doubt on my mind?"

Many times I've been reminded, "Be careful with what you say. You can hurt someone." So, I try real hard to control my emotions and avoid saying something today that I might regret tomorrow. I try to be as open-minded and understanding as I can to protect and preserve good working relationships, friendships, partnerships and most especially romantical relationship. Then, I came to realize that choosing the right words to say isn't enough. We should also learn when to say what we want to say. When someone is serious, do you think joking is a good idea? I believe this is when sensitivity should come in. Understand other people's feelings by simply looking in their eyes. Listen to the message they send not on the words they use. Be aware of their actions. Try to see the tears behind their smiles and hear the sound of joy underneath their cry.

Right now, I'm scared. I'm scared that I really hurt "akachan" and that is the last thing I ever wanted to do especially to the one I truly love. I'd rather hurt myself than let them feel the pain. I know "akachan" is vulnerable. But, so am I.

I Crave...

Haaaaaaay! Its been two weeks since I came back from Singapore. Partly, I'm happy coz finally I'm home and with my family again. But there's a great part of me that says I shouldn't have come back. Not yet...

I've been through a lot of challenges in there. I learned a lot of things. Not only about life, friendship or building your own dreams but most especially about finding my true self and the one who could bring out the best in me.

I've been there for only 3 months but I treasure every moment I spent there. And right now, I'm missing all of it. The long walks, the MRT, my demanding boss, the i-know-all co-worker (oops !not you ANTONIETTA...), and the arrogant customers. But if there's one thing that hunts me each night that is... a secret!

Seriously speaking, I wish I could wander again around Boon Keng and Bugis. Reminisce all the memories I've had and feel how it is to be free and how it is to be love and to love with no reservations.

I might not be able to walk the same streets again or ride the same MRT coaches but in my heart, I will always remember everything. I will always crave for every feeling, the excitement I felt each time I tried new things.