I am A broken Angel

confuse..

2009-05-17T03:52:00.003+08:00

This is an entry that I don't know how to start. I don't know how to express what I feel. I don't know how to say what I want to say. I don't know if any of the words that I will write will matter but somehow, I know it is necessary. I feel sad, hopeful, happy, alone, misunderstood and lost all at the same time. I need to let all this confusion out of my chest.

Recently, I came from a break up. I was totally devastated. I am lost. I tried to keep myself busy for me not to feel any pain. I want to stop asking myself these stupid questions: Why do I need to go through all this? What did I do to deserve all this shit? When will I find true happiness? And where should I start the changes? Until know, I don't know the answers to those questions.

Now, someone is offering his love to me again. My heart is heavily broken. I don't know where to start. But I am hoping that his love is enough.

I am surrounded by uncertainties and the only thing certain right now is the fact that I still have a heart. A brave heart that is willing to take risk. It may be broken but not missing. It survived so many heartaches and if this guy hurt me too, I don't know if it will still do. JAI HO!

Beshie's Poem

2009-02-22T02:42:00.001+08:00

THE ONE I’VE LOVED

You are mine
But I’m not yours
This is the sign
Of our separate doors
I turn you off
While you turn me on
My heart is soft
Yours is like a stone
You’re the greatest
And I’m the worst
I strike for the best
But you get me lost
You’re everything to me
Though I don’t mean any to you
It’s truly, madly, deeply
I feel for you
I am now tired
To wait for you
My eyes are dried
My heart is new
I will forget
Someone like you
But I’ll never regret
That I have loved you

My 14-year old POEM

2009-02-21T22:06:00.003+08:00

Today is my mom and dad's 28th wedding anniversary. Me and my two younger sisters agreed to visit them. When we arrived, i am so happy to see the big smile on our mom's face and to hear the cheerful tone of my dad's voice. We often see each other but I know that today they are very excited to see us, just "us", coming home. Then, we went inside our rooms. As I open my old cabinet, I saw an old poem taped at the back of my cabinet's door. It was a 9-year old poem from Beshie. Seeing that poem reminded me how much I used to love writing. I used to write not just poems but also short stories. I also have dozens of journals that I don't know where my mom placed when I left home. Then I suddenly felt very eager to get hold of my first ever poem. It was a poem I wrote in 1995. I searched every inch of our house. I told myself I won't leave the house without it. I've been searching for quite sometime and I already felt bad when my younger sister came to me and asked, "Ano ba hinahanap mo at kanina ka pa paikot-ikot dyan?". "Yun kasing poem ko na WHEN THE RAIN SPEAKS hindi ko makita.", I replied. "Yun ba? May kopya ako.", she said. I felt so thrilled because finally, I'll get my hands on my 14-year old poem. =)

When the Rain Speaks

It was a cold dark night
The rain pours really hard.
I could hear the sound of roaring thunders
That frightened every child

I could not sleep
I feel so disturbed
A lot of things came into my mind
Making me hope to turn back the hands of time

I blame the rain
For I felt do much pain
If only I could stop it from coming
Then, there’s no need for me to see him leaving

Then, the rain suddenly stopped
Leaving me wondering alone in the dark
I searched for oblivion, I want peace
I don’t want to stay forever this way.

I remember the rain and also my mistakes
If the rain can only speak, maybe she will say
“I just want to remind you, it was sunny yesterday
And tomorrow lies a brand new day.”

"Hitch"

2009-02-16T18:34:00.004+08:00

(A guy jumped on top of a girl's car. The girl hit the break and the guy fell in front of the car. The girl get off the car and asked the guy..)

GIRL: Why did you do that?

GUY: Because that's what people do.. they leap and hope to die they can fly because if they don't they will just be like rocks falling.. wondering on their way down why the hell they jumped. Now, here I am falling and there is only one person that can make me feel I can fly.. YOU!

(The girl burst into tears then hugs the guy. Happy ending.)

Very brave guy, right? Willing to take chances even in the middle of uncertainties. But what if the girl turn her back, ride the car and drive away? Does that make the guy stupid? Is he a failure? Should he continue to fight for this girl and wait for her to be ready to accept him again? Or he should move on and accept the fact that the girl loves her but too scared to take him into her life?

Somewhere along the highway called love, so many people will pass us by. Some will step on their break and spend some time with us. Others who are lost will stop to ask us directions. A few can also stop us and ask if they can hitch. And one or two might invite us to step inside their car, let us feel welcome and make every single moment of the ride memorable for us. Some will keep travelling with us and others will continue their journey without us. But whether they stay or leave, we should be thankful. Be thankful that amongst thousands of cars that passed by they stopped. They cared to build memories with us, trusted us to guide them and took a once in a lifetime ride with us. Leaving us doesn't mean they don't enjoy our company or they don't need us. Probably, they just found a better road or a faster route to take. Let them take the road of their choice but make sure you don't part ways with anyone on an unfinished road or you'll be the one left lost.

"THE not so SECRET GARDEN"

2009-02-12T22:38:00.023+08:00

These past few days, living became an everyday struggle for me. It is a battle between right and wrong, good and evil, happy and sad, reality and fantasy, heart and mind. I always find myself in the middle... in the middle of no where and with no one to hold on to.

Then, a new love came. It is a love that lifts my spirit, giving me peace not just of mind and body but also of heart and soul. It is a blossoming love that keeps my feet on the ground and encourages me to see the bright light shining from the sun. I feel so much better now and I have my lovely sister to thank for this remarkable change. It is a change not of heart but of perception. She introduced me to the new " G " in my life (that is " G " for gardening. Yes, you heard me right. Gardening is my new love. Great name, right? hehe!). My new found love needs enough care, attention, true passion and great labor to grow and reach it's full potential. It will take some time before I can see the real beauty of this wonderful garden but I am willing to wait because in the end, I know it's all going to be worth it. OMG! I want to say that again. "I WILL WAIT because YOU'RE WORTH IT!" =)

(below are photos taken this afternoon..)

When There Was Me and You

2009-01-26T17:48:00.006+08:00

It's funny when you find yourself looking from the outside.
I'm standing here but all I want is to be over there.
Why did I let myself believe miracles could happen.
'Cause now I have to pretend that I don't really care.
I thought you were my fairytale,
a dream when I'm not sleeping.
A wish upon a star that's coming true.
But everybody else could tell,
that I confused my feelings with the truth.
When there was me and you.
I swore I knew the melody that I heard you singing.
And when you smiled you made me feel like I could sing along.
But then you went and changed the words.
Now my heart is empty.
I'm only left with used-to-be's and once upon a song.
Now I know you're not a fairytale and dreams were meant for sleeping.
And wishes on a star just don't come true.
'Cause now even I can tell that I confused my feelings with the truth.
Because I liked the view,
when there was me and you.
I can't believe that I could be so blind.
It's like you were floating while I was falling and I didn't mind.
Because I liked the view.
I thought you felt it too.
When there was me and you.

billboard

2009-01-26T17:38:00.004+08:00

Last night, around 10 o'clock in the evening, on our way home from Bulacan, I unexpectedly saw Je-sabel's billboard along the expressway. The billboard is located about one kilometer and a half from Alabang South Station exit. When I saw Je-sabel's face, I can't help myself from smiling. Why? That's for me to know and for you to find out... hehe!

words from a drunken broken angel

2009-01-18T06:23:00.009+08:00

Today is the 18th day of January year 2009. It is now exactly 8 minutes past 4 in the morning and obviously I can’t sleep. I’m not sure if it is because of so many bullshit things that happened since the day before yesterday or because of the bottle of red wine I finished by myself that made me drunk. So, why am I doing this? Well, I don’t know. What I do know is that I’m not doing this to get attention. Maybe, I just want to break my silence and release some tensions that have been haunting me for years. Honestly, at this point, I don’t know how I will be able to pick up all the broken pieces in my life.

To begin with, my name is broken angel or you can simple call me a jerk. Broken because no matter how hard I try things in my life keeps falling apart. Angel because I wish I could be like that. And jerk because that’s how I see myself right now. I am a 27 year old married lady who resent so many things in her life except for her 2 lovely boys. I married and bear my first child at the age of 19. Oh well, you guessed it right. I was pregnant when I got married and I wished I didn’t. November 2000, A few days after my 19 birthday, I tried to break up with my spoiled brat boyfriend. I fought with him everyday for 5 days but he didn’t let go. On the 6th day he called me and said he’ll kill himself if I didn’t see him so I did. I made the biggest mistake in my life that day when I went to their house. That dreadful day plus a can of beer changed my whole life and brought me right to the gates of hell. I died that day. I completely forgot who I am, what I am, and where I want to be. So decisions were made without careful analytical thinking. My family almost cursed me and my friends hated me. A lot of people was mad at me not because I am pregnant but because I am marrying the wrong person. First few months, everything seems to be perfect. My parents are happy because they are not having a grandchild outside marriage and my in-laws, well, I’m not sure why. A few months after, a grand church wedding took place. Everyone is hopeful and happy. Until my father in-law died 2 weeks after our church wedding. That marks the beginning of all the unimaginable disasters in my life. Several times I slept at the lobby of a casino in Paranaque as my dad, mom in-law and I waited for the financier whom my husband pawned our car. My husband is a heavy drinker and very violent when drunk. Often times we end up hurting each other physically, mentally and emotionally. We lost everything. Not just material things. We lost even that very little love and respect that we have for each other. Eventually, we sold that car and got a new one. We were able to survive all those horrible days but I guess some wounds don’t heal and there are diseases that can’t be cured.

Right now, I am jobless and my life is useless. March of 2007, I left my glamorous though not so financially rewarding job in a pharmaceutical company where I worked as product manager of some pediatric and prenatal food supplements. I left mainly because my egotistical husband asked me to and partly because I can’t take the intrigues anymore. Very shallow reason? I know! But since I am strong, I was able to move on. A close friend way back high school days invited me to apply to the call centre where he works as a trainer. I applied and got hired. The experience was great. I was able to tap some potential I never knew I had before. About my friend, well, we have something special for each other, something sweeter than a jar of jam. We tried to pick up where we left 12 years ago and I saw some sparks of hope to happiness. But I guess if it’s not meant to be, it’s not meant to be. Okay, it could have worked out if I didn’t see him kissing with a trainee in the middle of the dance floor at our 2007 Blackout Christmas party. That night, that kiss blew away the little glow I saw and I was mad. I drowned myself in 3 bottles of beer. I’m so lucky that my Spartans family, especially Maria Jose, was there to comfort me. I’m glad I didn’t create a scene. We went through that night as educated individuals. Today, we’re okay. I forgot everything, the pain and all the sadness it brought. Since we had special moments together built by more than 10 years of friendship, we remained friends. That’s all. So that’s another failed relationship on my list. Was it my fault? I don’t know. But I know life must go on.

Few months ago, my husband got very “sick” again. He went back to the casino and pawned our new car for 100T. I swear I wanted to push him down the overpass in Baclaran but I can’t because I don’t want to be in jail. After we fixed that problem, he asked me to resign. He said we’ll go to Singapore and try reviving our dying marriage. With a heavy heart and reluctant to leave a piece of heaven I found at work, I resigned. Not only to give in to his request but also to expand my horizon for me and my 2 kids. Equipped with lessons from several devastating problems, too many failed relationships and a failed marriage, I am optimistic that I’ll find happiness in Singapore. We lived with my sister’s brother in-law and some friends. Three days, four days, five days, everything seems to be going as planned. But then again, things went wrong. After 2 weeks, he decided to go back and leave me. I’m okay. I have a job. I like the place and the people I’m with. I met a gorgeous, desert addict, beauty titlist supervisor. She became my confidant, my friend, my sister. Salute to you Mesh Coolet! When my demanding boss told me to tell her not to come back to work, I am so disheartened. I wanted to resign but I can’t. I don’t want to go back and live a sickening life again. Actually, I am so glad I stayed. Because if not I won’t meet this wonderful person who brought new meaning in my life. Walking around, exchanging stories, showing some care, creating great memories on the streets of Singapore, we became real close. I found the bond I never found with anyone else. Almost two weeks later, another must take decision has to be made. Either I stay and continue the wonderful free life I am living or go back and be with my kids who longs for my love and care. Akachan said I should go for the kids and promised to follow. I listened. Things turned out unexpectedly great. But two days ago, one of the things I am fearful of happened. Anxiously, I waited as another must take decision has to be made. The choice is between family and insanity. Obviously, being a family-oriented person, family wins. Now, things are falling apart again and I do wish I stayed in Singapore. God knows how hurt I am right now. I felt betrayed. Once again, I am reminded how frustrating it is to go through dozens of broken promises. And how hard it is to face the day with a deeply wounded and slowly dying heart. I felt so stupid to believe yet, no matter how bad things turned out I still have no doubt. I will still take the risk for another chance to be happy, for a new beginning, for a brighter tomorrow, for the fulfillment of broken dreams. I still believe in love, in our love. Will you fail me again or you’ll fight for me next time?

???

2009-01-17T11:33:00.004+08:00

Standing on the edge of a cliff
Anxiously waiting
Uncertain and missing
Are you coming?
Or you are going?
Shall I jump?
Or shall I keep on waiting?

May tama!

2009-01-16T15:28:00.008+08:00

Kanina, umiinom ako ng red wine. Mag-isa lang ako. Wala lang, gusto ko lang magisip-isip. Napatitig ako sa wine sa baso ko at natawa ako. Naisip ko kasi ang pag-ibig pala parang alak. Mabango, depende sa umaamoy at masarap, depende sa umiinom. Merong may kulay at merong wala. Merong puro at merong may halo at kumplikado. Pwede mong inumin kahit kelan at kahit saan mo gustuhin. Kapag swak ang timpla sa panlasa mo mapaparami ka ng inom hanggang sa hindi mo na mamalayang nalulunod at nalalasing ka na pala. Gaya rin sa pag-ibig. Walang tamang tao o tamang panahon. Nararamdaman sa di inaasahang pagkakataon. Tama, depende sa tumitingin at nagtatagal, depende sa tibay ng paniniwala. Nakapagbibigay ng tuwa at nakapagdudulot din ng sakit. Minsan maayos at masaya. Kung minsan kumplikado rin.

Wala naman ngang masama sa pag-inom. Kahit anong klase ng alak ang inumin mo ayos lang basta alam mo kung hanggang saan lang ang kaya mo. At sabi nga "ilagay mo sa tiyan, wag sa ulo." Ganun din sa pag-ibig. Wala namang tama at mali lalo pa nga kung totoo ang nararamdaman mo. Mahirap lang kapag sobra-sobra ka nang nagmamahal at hinayaan mong balutin nito hindi lang ang puso mo kundi ang buo mong pagkatao. Siguradong tatalunin mo pa ang lasing sa alak. Babaguhin nito ang isip at pananaw mo sa buhay. Dadalhin ka sa mga sitwasyong di mo inakala. Mabuti sana kung tulad sa isang lasing na may aagapay sayo kapag hindi ka na makalakad ng derecho. Paano kung wala at hayaan ka lang nila sa mga kabaliwan mo? Magmamahal ka pa ba at buong tapang na isusugal ang puso mo para sa taong di mo alam kung ano ang magiging epekto sayo?

VULNERABLE... You are and I am, too!

2009-01-15T14:45:00.005+08:00

A while ago, I chat with "akachan". The conversation started sweet and very heart-warming. I am really excited. My heart is pounding really fast. My heart is field with joy. But all of a sudden, the mood starts to turn grey. "Akachan" became quiet and the next thing I know, "akachan" signed out. I know I said something that hurt "akachan's" feelings. But I swear I didn't mean those words. I am sure that there's never a time that I didn't trust "akachan".

Sometimes, when we are so comfortable with another person, we tend to lose ourselves. We do and say things without considering the other person's feelings, thinking that they know us well to understand what we mean. When I said "you are not sure about yourself so I' not sure about you, too", what I really want to say is "How do you expect me to trust you if you create doubt on my mind?"

Many times I've been reminded, "Be careful with what you say. You can hurt someone." So, I try real hard to control my emotions and avoid saying something today that I might regret tomorrow. I try to be as open-minded and understanding as I can to protect and preserve good working relationships, friendships, partnerships and most especially romantical relationship. Then, I came to realize that choosing the right words to say isn't enough. We should also learn when to say what we want to say. When someone is serious, do you think joking is a good idea? I believe this is when sensitivity should come in. Understand other people's feelings by simply looking in their eyes. Listen to the message they send not on the words they use. Be aware of their actions. Try to see the tears behind their smiles and hear the sound of joy underneath their cry.

Right now, I'm scared. I'm scared that I really hurt "akachan" and that is the last thing I ever wanted to do especially to the one I truly love. I'd rather hurt myself than let them feel the pain. I know "akachan" is vulnerable. But, so am I.

I Crave...

2009-01-06T14:48:00.002+08:00

Haaaaaaay! Its been two weeks since I came back from Singapore. Partly, I'm happy coz finally I'm home and with my family again. But there's a great part of me that says I shouldn't have come back. Not yet...

I've been through a lot of challenges in there. I learned a lot of things. Not only about life, friendship or building your own dreams but most especially about finding my true self and the one who could bring out the best in me.

I've been there for only 3 months but I treasure every moment I spent there. And right now, I'm missing all of it. The long walks, the MRT, my demanding boss, the i-know-all co-worker (oops !not you ANTONIETTA...), and the arrogant customers. But if there's one thing that hunts me each night that is... a secret!

Seriously speaking, I wish I could wander again around Boon Keng and Bugis. Reminisce all the memories I've had and feel how it is to be free and how it is to be love and to love with no reservations.

I might not be able to walk the same streets again or ride the same MRT coaches but in my heart, I will always remember everything. I will always crave for every feeling, the excitement I felt each time I tried new things.

"Je-sabel" (part2)

2008-09-25T22:08:00.013+08:00

I have this dear friend that I haven't seen and talked to for quite some time. June 11, 2008 was the last time we talked . We unexpectedly saw each other on a bus (where we met several months ago) going to Baclaran at around 8:30pm. I had mixed emotions that night ("di ba madam?"). I'm so happy to see that person yet for some reason I'm sad. I want that night to be endless but ofcourse it ended and I thought everything stops there. I haven't heard from that person since then. No text, no phone call. Not a single word at all. I almost thought that person is dead. Yesterday, that person viewed my friendster profile. Then, as I view that person's profile this evening, a voice was telling me to add that person to my YM list, which I did. I didn't expect that person to be online, though I am hoping at the back of my mind...hehe! To make the long story short, we chat. And I must say, this is one of those painful conversations I've ever had. It seems to have no emotion. No meaning. Just plain, short conversation. Nakakaloka! Awwwww!

Je-sabel (9/25/2008 9:51:50 PM): hi there!

Brokenangel34 (9/25/2008 9:52:01 PM): musta?

Je-sabel (9/25/2008 9:53:22 PM): ok lang

Brokenangel34 (9/25/2008 9:53:37 PM): good. nice to hear that

Je-sabel (9/25/2008 9:53:53 PM): ikaw?

Brokenangel34 (9/25/2008 9:54:08 PM): im fine

Je-sabel (9/25/2008 9:54:17 PM): what are you doing there?

Brokenangel34 (9/25/2008 9:54:30 PM): vacation.

Brokenangel34 (9/25/2008 9:54:36 PM): need to fix some issues in my life

Je-sabel (9/25/2008 9:54:38 PM): ah ok

Je-sabel (9/25/2008 9:54:51 PM): til when

Brokenangel34 (9/25/2008 9:54:59 PM): october

Je-sabel (9/25/2008 9:55:08 PM): my cousins are working there

Brokenangel34 (9/25/2008 9:55:14 PM): really?

Je-sabel (9/25/2008 9:55:21 PM): have a job there?

Brokenangel34 (9/25/2008 9:55:43 PM): nope i don't.

Je-sabel (9/25/2008 9:55:53 PM): rich kid!

Brokenangel34 (9/25/2008 9:58:09 PM): so san ka na work?

Je-sabel (9/25/2008 9:58:22 PM): same

Brokenangel34 (9/25/2008 9:58:38 PM): ah okay... kala ko magbabarko ka ulet?

Je-sabel (9/25/2008 9:58:42 PM): about to go onboard sa barko next week

Brokenangel34 (9/25/2008 9:58:51 PM): i see...

Je-sabel (9/25/2008 9:59:45 PM): gtg

Brokenangel34 (9/25/2008 9:59:52 PM): ayt

Je-sabel (9/25/2008 10:00:00 PM): i'll be closing my shop already eh

Brokenangel34 (9/25/2008 10:00:01 PM): nice chatting with you

Je-sabel (9/25/2008 10:00:13 PM): take care there

Brokenangel34 (9/25/2008 10:00:18 PM): ingat lagi

Je-sabel (9/25/2008 10:00:20 PM): bye

Brokenangel34 (9/25/2008 10:00:22 PM): bye

HEAVEN

2008-09-18T01:56:00.012+08:00

Today is my fourth day here in Singapore. Medyo late na tong blog entry na'to coz I'm suppose to write this nung nasa manila pa ako. I have a heavy heart when I left not just because I'm not sure what's in store for me here but also because I'm gonna leave a lot of important persons in my life. Thinking about the things that might happen, I realized several things. Things that might mean nothing to you but means everything to me. Some of those things were:

SOME GOOD THINGS NEVER LAST - nothing is certain in this world. Don't be afraid to take risk. You won't know how deep the sea is if you won't take the plunge. Allow yourself to experience life. You won't know how good something feels unless you embrace it with open heart.

I LOVE YOU ISN'T JUST A WORD - don't say it unless you mean it. When you do, make sure you act it. Take every opportunity to make the person feel that you're real coz you don't know until when you'll gonna be together.

TRUE LOVE KNOWS NO BOUNDARIES - hindi issue and distance at age sa totoong nagmamahal.

HOME IS WHERE YOUR HEART IS - it's not about the place you live in but the person you share your life and your heart with. I may be in Singapore but I'm heavenly home in the Philippines, the place where I left my heart.

I'LL BE BACK - Personally, I'm very impatient. I hate waiting but I can wait when I am told to do so. Maling magpaasa at umasa na magiging kayo parin kung hindi mo naman sinabing gusto mo pa. Never make the people around you guess. That's why I told YOU and I'll tell you again WAIT FOR ME! The ANGEL belongs only in HEAVEN.

KEEP IN TOUCH - you don't have to be together to show how genuine your feeling is. Learn how to reach out. Thoughtfulness makes a difference. A simple text can mean a lot. Sabi nga, it's the thought that counts.

OPEN YOUR HEART TO POSSIBILITIES - changes happen when we least expect it. Don't dwell on negative things. Think possitive. Sometimes, bad things happen to allow something good to happen. Trust yourself. Trust love. Trust God!

HONESTY IS STILL THE BEST POLICY! - kahit gaano ka-complicated ang isang bagay, you have to say it. Be honest to the person concerned. Huwag kang magsinungaling dahil natatakot kang maiwan. Mas iniiwan kasi ang sinungaling kay sa sa taong hindi perfect.

NO ONE CAN DECIDE FOR YOU - unless you allow them to. Don't let people control you. You have your own heart and your own mind. USE IT! Listen to the voice within.

I RESIGN!!!

2008-09-01T11:20:00.006+08:00

I am officially resigned from work effective August 30. Honestly, I don't want to take that action but circumstances forced me to.

I'm gonna miss my uber sa galing na Uk 87 family (si boss jabar, bulinggit, maria jose, sonny boy, tin, baboy, hyper b, beyonce, luigi, patchie, piong, kulas, siopao, graciana, ms. avila, nene mane, at bevs), yung mga sobrang kulet na mga friends (di kasali yung feeling chick-magnet ha!), unforgettable "moments", my locker, the sleeping quarter, yung mga super hanging na pc's, ung vendo sa pantry na laging malnourised at walang laman, mga pagkain sa pantry na iba-iba pero pare-pareho ang hitsura at lasa, ang nakakairitang british prank callers, mababait na tl's pati na nasa st. rose at ung papansin na si kero, pa-cute na tdo-ops, hr peeps, at ung trainer na... well, never mind! hehehe...

I really enjoyed my year long stay and I do wish I could stay longer especially now that I found someone who appreciates me and love me for who I am.

To everyone, thanks for making my work experience a memorable one. Till we meet again mates!

Easier said than done!!!

2008-07-26T00:58:00.005+08:00

Be sensible.
Let your mind speak for itself.
Listen not only to your feelings but to reasons as well.
Always remember that if you lose someone,
someone better is coming tomorrow.
It's true that love can wait forever,
but it's crazy to stubbornly hope
for someone who doesn't even care
or understand how you feel.
Everyone deserves to be happy.
And you won't get it in the arms of someone
who keeps you waiting in vain.
You'll only get it from someone who will take you now
and love you forever...

one true love vs. one great love

2008-07-25T16:24:00.002+08:00

you can never be truly happy with love alone...

all the contentment that people say when you love someone

is not true unless you decipher

your one true love and your one great love...

"Je-sabel"

2008-07-25T16:08:00.003+08:00

One late afternoon, sometime in March of 2008, somewhere in Makati, I met this wonderful person that changed my perception about certain things.

Great things happen but I guess some good things never really last. Wherever you are, I wish you good life. I miss you.

My Childhood Sweetheart....

2008-07-24T04:21:00.001+08:00

July 24, 2008. My first crush/first boyfriend turned 26. I met him 17 years ago. I was in grade 3 when I first saw him and fell in love with him. Apparently because of so many differences, our relationship didn't work out but we remained good friends. We chat once in a while and text each other every now and then.

"First love never dies." One way or another maybe it doesn't. It remains in our memories if not in our hearts. I don't love him as much as I did 17 years ago but I definitely consider him as an important person in my life.

For those who says you can never be friends with your ex, well, think again! Maybe you just have to let go of that old feelings and open your heart to new possibilities.

MOMENT

2008-07-10T04:10:00.011+08:00

We all have our dark moments. Moments that we wish there is at least one soul to listen to us and offer us a shoulder to cry on. But what if there is no one to run to and there is no hand to hold on to? How can we make it through?

It was 3 in the morning,

The rain was pouring.

Alone, I was walking,

I don't know where I am going.

Tears are flowing,

My heart is aching,

Everything is so confusing,

I really hate this feeling.

I can't stop myself from remembering,

The night you said you were leaving.

I really saw it coming,

Yet, when the moment came, I can say nothing.

Now, everything has been said and done.

I can't believe the love is gone.

Things can never be undone,

But, you will always be my only one.

"chick-magnet"

2008-07-09T07:31:00.004+08:00

There is this tall, dark and not at all handsome guy in the office that I really hate to see. He smokes like a chimney and and has a really loud mouth. I don't judge others base on their physical appearance but this guy brought out the worst side in me. Seeing him almost everyday makes me think that I'd rather die than see him come any near me.

One time he left his jacket with me. That was the time I haven't realized yet how annoying he is. Out of goodwill, I look after his jacket. A few weeks later he's spreading this rumor that I am borrowing his smelly jacket and that I like him and that he is such a "chick magnet". YUCK! And what is even more disgusting is that he has the nerve to drink at my mug without even asking if it's fine (close?!). If it wasn't my favorite mug, I could have thrown it by now. Eeeeeew!

I may not be beautiful nor has that super sex appeal but at least I know the difference between reality and fantasy. Wake up boy! Stop dreaming! I will never like you, not even in my wildest dream, not even if you are the last man in the world!

KUDOS!

2008-07-08T05:35:00.004+08:00

Last week is such a great week for me. Well, it wasn't perfect because if we talk about my love life it doesn't even come close to being good.

I consider it as great week because I got a really good report card. My QA is perfect (100%, no accuracy, presence or protocol fails), elocution is 4 (meaning I have a good british accent.. yey!), CPT (call processing time) is 37seconds, productivity percentage is 101% and call connection is around 50% (I guess our mini-team will win the call connection race again... hehehe). Aside from that, our team only has 2 accuracy fails (hopefully boss can over turn the other one for us to get better statistics) and we achieved second to the highest call connection percentage last week.

I wish for more great week like this to come. GO TEAM!!!

CPT

2008-07-06T00:58:00.002+08:00

Mag-11 buwan na ako sa trabaho sa darating na ika-20 ng Hulyo (Xet! ang lalim). Nung nagsimula ako sa team ang average (Sensya na di ko alam tagalog eh.) call processing time (CPT) ko eh nasa 55 seconds and above. For the last couple of weeks my CPT is down to 36 to 38 seconds. I'm so happy and I consider this as an achievement. Isa lang naman ang reason kung bakit bumaba ng husto ang CPT ko at yun ay lalake! Bwhahaha... Joke!

But kidding aside, lalake naman talaga (hehehe). Crush ko kasi yung isang newbie sa team ni Keropi. Sa tuwing nakikita ko yun ginaganahan ako mag-trabaho. Hindi nga lang CPT ko ang nag-improve pati elocution at call connection percentage ko tumaas din. But sadly, some good things never last. Di ko na kasi sya makikita ever. Last day na n'ya nung thursday. Eto kasing bwisit na Keropi na ito na saksakan ng epal hindi sya ni-extend. Di daw kasi na-meet ni Mat yung requirements sa CPT at Elocution (sana pala ni-donate ko nalang yung saken... hahaha) kaya ayun terminated siya.

Nalungkot ako sa pagkawala nya sa kumpanya pero wala naman ako magagagawa. Pero ayos lang yon. Sabi nga ng dati kong boss, "Nothing is lost in this world. A man's lost is another man's gain." Saan man sya mapunta, sana he'll be able to prove his worth and I know someone better will take the spot he left. And as for me, tuloy lang ang buhay... dapat ma-maintain ang CPT, Elocution at ang 100's para naman makarating sa UK! hehehe.

INBOX

2008-07-05T15:44:00.005+08:00

SMS from SMOKEY. KEEP IT COMING DUDE!!!

1.) Think twice before leaving a space in someone's heart. Coz it is painful to realize in the end how much you miss that space and decided to go back only to find out that someone had taken your place. (Hay Naku! Mas mahirap pag pareho na kayong nakatali sa iba noh!)

2.) Isn't life so unfair? You turn out to love someone who could not love you just the same but still you continue loving because you hope things will end up fine but they wouldn't. You cry, you feel bad, and you end up broken. You want to hurt that person, but you hurt more. Still that person doesn't care. Why does love exist? To make us happy for a minute or to hurt us for the rest of our lives? Funny it is to realize that before it all ends, you'll find yourself thinking that you still want to return to whom your heart belongs. (Pag-ibig = Katangahan... haaaaaaay!)

3.) By some mischief of fate, we might only truly fall in love once. You know, that one great love old folks refer to. Many lovers may get into our lives but there is only one person, with that one smile,one kiss, one hug and one moment, that our hearts will never replace. That person, usually but sad, is the one that got away. That's why, after all the chips are down, we know, we just know, we will never fall in love that way again. (wala anko masabi!)

4.) The rain falls... Because the sky can no longer handle its heaviness. Just like tears... it falls.. because the heart can no longer handle the pain. (So, that's why I always cry. Bwahahaha!)

5.) In love, when break up comes and its time to say goodbye, dont doubt the love just because it didn't last. May mga bagay sa buhay na di man nagtatagal, it doesn't mean na di na totoo. "some good things are just never meant to last forever." Ok lang yun. Bless the parting and move on. Expect the tears, sorrows, sleepless night and pain. Ika nga, it is when you hurt the worst that you love the most. Kung di ka willing masaktan, wag ka nalang magmahal... (OUUUUCH! SAPUL!)

tubig dagat

2008-07-05T14:58:00.003+08:00

Ang hirap talaga kapag sarili na ang kalaban. Kahit anong sabihin at gawin parang wala kang laban. Kung minsan pa nga nasa harap mo na ang sagot ayaw mo pang paniwalaan.Nakikita na ang katotohanan pilit mo paring iniwasan. Mas pinapakinggan ang bulong ng puso at pilit itinatanggi ang laman ng isipan.

Sabi nila, "Kung ukol bubukol" at "Kung kayo, kayo talaga." Kung hindi naman daw kahit anong pilit wala talagang mangyayari kaya kalimutan nalang. Pero paano mo kakalimutan ang taong nagpapangiti sa'yo sa umaga, ang nagbibigay kulay sa malungkot mong buhay? Para bang sa tuwing sasabihing "WALA NA, KALIMUTAN MO NA!" ay sinasabing "TAMA NA, HUWAG KA NANG HUMINGA!"

Mas madali sana ang lahat kung pagkakataon o panahon lang ang problema. Pero paano kung yung tao mismo ang problema? S'ya na tumigil sa paniniwala at bumitiw na. Bawat segundong wala s'ya sa tabi mo para kang sinusugatan. Bawat minuto ay para bang paulit-ulit kang sinasaktan. Sa bawat oras na lumilipas ay unti-unti kang inaalisan ng katinuan. Sino nga ba ang dapat sisihin? S'ya na maagang nagising sa katotohanan o ikaw na nag-papakatanga at nagbubulag-bulagan?

Masakit? OO NAMAN! Mahirap? SOBRA! Pero ano pa nga ba ang magagawa kundi ang tanggapin ang katotohanan. Dahil patuloy ang buhay anuman ang mangyari.

LESSONS IN LIFE

2008-07-05T05:10:00.000+08:00

Noong grade 3 ako, gustong gusto ko ang kantang "Love will Lead You Back." It took me three weeks before I was able to memorize the lyrics and hit the correct notes.

Noong grade 6 naman ako, gustong gusto ko naman matuto magbisikleta. Lahat kasi ng kalaro ko may bike at marunong mag bike. Nag-pabili ako kahit di pa ako marunong. Syempre, ilang beses ako tumaob at nasugatan bago ako natuto. Yung peklat ko sa siko nakuha ko yun nung minsan akong sumemplang.

Nung 3rd year high school na ko, naaalala ko nagkaroon kami ng project sa T.H.E. Pinagtahi kami ng shorts. Two weeks bago ko nagawa ng tama yung project ko. Late ko na nga sya na-ipasa at andami kong nasayang na tela bago ako natuto.

Lesson:

May mga bagay na hindi nakukuha sa madalian. Madalas kelangan mo talagang pagtiyagaan at pagsikapan. Hindi sapat yung gusto mo lang. Kung gusto mo, gagawa at gagawa ka ng paraan.

May mga pagkakataon na kelangan mo muna madapa at masaktan bago ka matuto. Hanggang hindi mo nararanasan, hindi mo maiintindihan. Tatatak lang sayo ang tama sa mali sa oras na ikaw ay masaktan.

May mga bagay din na kelangan mong bigyan ng panahon. Yun bang dapat hayaan mo lang hanggang sa dumating ang tamang pagkakataon. Yun bang magpapaunawa saiyo na hindi porke nagkamali ka mahina ka na. Basta alam mo kung paano bumangon, magsikap, magtiyaga at lumaban, magtatagumpay ka.

BESHIE

2008-07-04T06:08:00.002+08:00

10 years ago, I met this sweet and talented guy. He is such a great dancer and now a fantastic chef in Dubai. He is my bestfriend turned boyfriend turned bestfriend again. We've been friends since college days and I really value our friendship. Bihira na kasi makahanap ng tao na nandyan parati sa tabi mo through thick and thin.

Today, he turned another year older. Wish ko lang sana tama na ang pagiging sumpungin. Tama na yung ako nalang ang sumpungin... hehehe! I also wish him happiness and peace of mind. Wag masyado utu-uto para di naloloko ha! mwah.

5.16.2008

2008-05-16T22:41:00.003+08:00

"Mahirap pag mahal na mahal mo ang isang tao... na sa puso at isip inangkin mo na sya tapos, hindi naman pala siya para sa'yo. Masakit pero wala kang magawa."

BUS

2008-04-20T17:17:00.000+08:00

A couple of weeks ago, may nakilala ako sa bus. He is such a wonderful and well, cute guy. Masarap siya kasama at masaya siyang kausap. I don't know but it seems to me that we've known each other for years. If there's one thing I really like about this guy that will be his dedication to his work. He's very career-oriented and doesn't want any distraction everytime he's working. Though he gets tired most of the time, he seems to be really happy with what he's doing. I work in a call center. I earn fairly enough and get to hangout with really cool people but that doesn't make me happy. I want to do something else, be somewhere else with someone else. This guy, at his young age, was able to fulfill something and I want to be like him. I want to be able to do something that will show my real worth.

LIBERATED

2007-09-10T14:46:00.002+08:00

I've made so many mistakes and lots of dumb decisions in the past. I judged others, I lied so many times, and I even cheated in so many ways but, SO WHAT? Who doesn't err once in a while?

It 's not that I'm proud about all these or anything. It's just that I have realized that whatever it is that I have done YESTERDAY is all part of the past! And TODAY is the time when I stand up and start all over again.

Honestly, I DON'T THINK I WILL BE READY TO LET GO OF THE PAST and I believe no one should! Because those stupid decisions made us who we are today. Experience is the BEST teacher we could ever have!

But then again, PAST is PAST! I will never get to where I want to be if I keep on going back. To get to where I ought to be, I have to start right HERE, right NOW. This is where I pick up all the broken pieces, where I should learn to take CHANCES and keep the FAITH that someday at the RIGHT TIME, at the RIGHT PLACE the RIGHT THING will HAPPEN!

Finally! FREE atlast!

BROKEN WINGS

2007-06-01T14:51:00.001+08:00

To let go of something or someone so dear is easier said than done.

It is like telling your heart to stop beating, your brain to stop thinking, and your blood to stop flowing.

It is as if you ask yourself to stop breathing the air that makes you alive.
You can ask your sister or your brother for help, your mother or your father for guidance, or your best friend for company but, in the end, it is all YOU!

No one can FORGET for you. All they can do is guide you, show you your real beauty, and open your eyes to reality. And when the sun goes down and you can see nothing but darkness and hear nothing but the sound of your misery, you will do it ALONE. You will decide and take the action!

Haaaaaaaay! SO NEAR YET SO FAR… How can an ANGEL with broken wings fly?

SOMEDAY

2007-03-17T04:43:00.001+08:00

Hurting is now over! After crying and being burnt out for so many years of my coldest lonely nights! It never came easy but my nightmare finally comes to an end.

I know you never saw my worth! You thought so hard that you are the best guy in this world! Well I've got news for you,you are NOT! I know I’m not that strong but I survived & was better off without you! This moment, maybe I’m still shaking a bit to do this right. I may still need a little help but soon these tears will all run dry! And I won’t have to shed & cry for sweet goodbyes…

Who are you to ignore me! Well, that doesn't matter anymore 'coz I’m moving on & was now set free! I know somewhere out there, there is someone who will really love me! Love me better than you can! Someday, someone will know my worth, see my importance & appreciate my existence! He will atlas take your place, and bring back my heart to life!

Listen!!!
“One day, I’ll forget about you. You’ll see, I won’t even miss you!!!"

First time blogger

2007-01-19T22:33:00.000+08:00

As the title says, I am a newbie here. Over the past few months, I have been going through a lot of unfortunate circumstances and I think this is the best place for me to set all my emotions and thoughts free. The world may not care about me, my problems, or my point of views. So what! I am doing this not to satisfy or please anyone. This is for me. To help me understand and appreciate everything and everyone around me. To help me become a better "ME" because that is all I could ever be!